Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
