Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
This is my gift to your gina
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
