I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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