Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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