Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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