Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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