I wish I could teleport
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
