respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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