Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
