so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
