last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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