if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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