i already hear my dad disowning me
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Randomize
