I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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