I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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