I looked at my own cervix.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
