Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
