My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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