dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
