i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
