In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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