Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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