I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
