i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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