He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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