I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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