Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
