O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
