i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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