She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
