Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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