I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
