My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
