no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize