She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
