Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
