Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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