I just made out with a guy for $7.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
