i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
