saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
