theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
