I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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