The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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