No stitches, just platelets and will power
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
