you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
i believe in u and ur pee
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
