Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
