Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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