someone get that fucking seahorse.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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