4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
This is the high leading the old right now
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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