I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
